TITLE: "Crossroads"

CLASSIFICATION: J/L

RATING: PG-13

Summary: In her seventh and final year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans finds herself facing a tragedy that leaves her life in pieces. In her struggle to find her way in a suddenly unfamiliar world, she finds strength she never knew existed – both within herself and in a boy she’d always thought she’d known.

DISCLAIMER: Without JK Rowling, none of this would exist. Thanks to her for letting me play with her creation.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This fic has been REVISED AS OF JULY, 2003 to fit with Order of the Phoenix canon. Please read details from author HERE.

CHAPTER TWELVE: Fate

Lily shot up in bed, panting as though she’d been running for hours. Squeezing her eyelids closed, she brought her hand up to shakily swipe at the hair that had been clinging to the perspiration on her forehead. Taking a deep, calming breath and trying not to let the sour, painful feeling in her stomach overwhelm her, she laid back down and tried to just wait it out.

It hadn’t been a nightmare, exactly...in fact, she couldn’t even remember most of it. The only thing she could recall was the final moment before she’d woken up, and that was only because it had been so vivid. She’d been standing in Dumbledore’s office behind James, who sat in the chair in front of the headmaster’s empty desk with his shoulders slumped and his messy black hair dirty and sweaty. Troubled, she’d gone to him and put her hand on his shoulder...but when he turned, she’d yelped and jumped back at the sight of her own green eyes looking back at her, an unfathomable pain and scorching anger burning brightly in them.

Lily didn’t know what it meant...she had no talent for analyzing her own dreams. She was too close to them...and Arabella had always been so good at it. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that she hadn’t been able to scrape a moment’s peace of mind since she came back to Hogwarts by herself on the train from London. Day and night, her every thought since had been of her decision...of both her decisions. Had she made a mistake? Was she really doing what her parents would have wanted? Was she even doing what she wanted, and should that even matter?

Most of all, she’d been thinking endlessly about James and everything that had happened between them that night. It had only been a week and a half since he’d stormed out of her room at the Leaky Cauldron, but it seemed like it had been an eternity for all the pain the memory had caused her so far. She didn’t know what should have happened that night...she could not and would not waste her time pasting together alternate realities of different things she could have done or words she might or might not have said in order to have it end differently between them, because it was pointless. Besides, that wasn’t the issue.

The issue was that something very close to her heart was screaming at her that it shouldn’t have ended at all.

Throwing the covers off her legs and getting out of bed, she stood there for a moment breathing heavily and thinking she might be sick again...another consequence of all the horrible introspection she’d been putting herself through that week. Running a hand through her hair, she padded out of the dorm without even bothering to grab her dressing gown...she needed to have something to do. She wanted suddenly to take a bath, as though that could wash away her problems.

Once in the prefect’s bathroom and assured that no one was going to interrupt her at this ungodly hour, she sank into the water and closed her eyes, letting the steam and the fragrant bubbles calm her nerves a bit. Even if her heart had slowed to its normal pace, though, her mind still raced and her headache raged on.

The truth was that she missed him...terribly. It had started out small, a slight inkling of regret that she’d felt each time she thought of him. After that it grew into a nausea that would plague her whenever she saw something that reminded her of him. The Quidditch pitch, their table in the library where they’d always held meetings...the fireplace in the common room.

“When I held you that night, in front of the common room fire - I felt like my heart was going to break. I’ll never forget it, as long as I live...”

The familiar stinging came to her eyes once again and she sank deeper into the bathtub as his words rang through her ears like some vicious echo. It was only after she’d finally drudged up the courage to replay his words in her mind that the aching emptiness she felt quickly grew to unbearable proportions. She’d thought at first that it was guilt, but now she knew it was something much more. Swallowing hard, she covered her face with her hands and admitted it to herself flat out, in the solitude of the prefect’s bathroom...the terrible truth that she’d been too afraid to face until now.

Lily had finally come to realize that she felt the loss of James Potter even more keenly than she’d ever felt the loss of Petunia...and even more than Arabella.

Unable to take it anymore, she hoisted herself out of the tub and grabbed a towel. The bathroom was hot with steam, but she was shivering. It was too late now...whatever she now realized about James and what he’d come to mean to her, it was too late. He was gone. Leaning her head against the cool tiles on the wall, she punished herself further by contemplating the brutal fact that she might never see him again.

She should have said something to him that night...anything. She shouldn’t have let him walk out the door, furious and hating her.

“The only reason I ever did anything for you is because I’m so in love with you I’ve made myself into a hopeless arse.”

Heaving a sigh, Lily threw her head back and squinted up at the ceiling, a couple of pieces of her hair coming out of the pins she’d used to keep it dry and falling down to stick to her wet shoulders. She still couldn’t quite believe it...he’d told her he loved her. He loved her.

She had been flabbergasted to hear it...completely and utterly floored. Now that she’d had time to let it sink in, however, she knew that he was right...she was dense for not having seen it all along. His sudden change of heart midyear, all the little things he’d done for her, his dedication and loyalty...all of it a result of his not being able to fight his feelings. That night...the night he’d kissed her...she should have seen that it wasn’t a kiss born of fatigue or gratitude or anything else. However much of that he may have felt, he’d kissed her that night because he couldn’t stand not to...because he was in love with her, and he’d needed to relieve at least some of that burden.

Tears sprang to her eyes as she contemplated her own ingratitude.

By the time she’d managed to pull herself out of her reverie, she was dry enough to pull her nightgown over her head once again, pull on her dressing gown, and walk back to the Tower. As she stepped through the portrait hole, she almost screamed at the sight of someone sitting in front of the fire...it was Remus.

“Remus?”

He looked up, startled...obviously he’d been so deep in thought that he hadn’t even realized that she’d come in. “Hey...where were you?”

“Oh, I...was taking a bath.”

Nodding slowly, he thankfully decided not to comment on the hour in which she decided to do this and said, “Right.”

“What are you doing up?” she asked, still standing awkwardly by the door.

“I was...I couldn’t sleep. I was just thinking.”

She briefly thought about making some kind of excuse and going back to bed...but then the thought of her dark dormitory and all the possibilities for dark dreams it offered and decided she’d rather not. Walking quietly over to where he was sitting, she asked softly, “Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not...sit down.”

They sat in silence for several minutes, staring into the fire lost in their own thoughts...she wouldn’t have thought it possible, but somehow his presence made her feel a bit better. She hoped that he was getting the same satisfaction out of her being there. Not sure he wanted to talk but feeling she ought to give it an effort, she asked, “Is something wrong?”

He looked over at her and seemed to hesitate for a moment, then said quietly, “I hate being left behind...and I’m tired of my condition getting in the way of everything I try to do.”

She looked up at him, struck by his candor...he’d never spoken about this before to her. “What do you mean?”

Shaking his head and frowning slightly as he turned his gaze back to the fire, he explained, “I should have been able to go with them...instead I’m stuck here. I just...it’s like it never fails. I was in the hospital after tearing myself up that night – not to mention my best friend – and because of that I couldn’t go into training. I didn’t even have the option, even though I was in Dumbledore’s class all year as well.”

She nodded, then a wave of shame hit her as she thought to herself that she, too, should be there with the rest of the chosen students in training...but she wasn’t. Remus caught her staring at her hands, her eyebrows drawn together in distress. For a moment he watched her closely, his eyes sharp and perceptive, but his voice was gentle as he asked, “Are you alright?”

She looked up at him and started to lie...but then found she simply couldn’t do it. Biting her lip hard to stop it from trembling, she replied, “I...I don’t know.”

He didn’t respond...he merely leaned forward, his brows furrowed, and waited for her to continue. She didn’t want to trouble him with her worries and problems when he had enough of his own...but when it all came down to it, she needed to talk to someone. Not to mention the fact that she’d always liked Remus very much...for a long time, she’d considered him more her friend than James. Her voice hitching, she began, “Do you think I’m doing the right thing, Remus?”

Remus shook his head, and replied, “I don’t know what you mean...”

“Do you think I was right to come back here?”

His face changed only slightly, as though he was trying to hide a reaction from her. She had been forced to explain what she was doing back at Hogwarts to alleviate his surprise at seeing her walk through the doors of the Great Hall last week, but she’d kept it brief and hadn’t wanted to go into the details at the time. Still, she imagined he had been able to fill in most of the blanks...except, perhaps, for the ones that involved James. She hadn’t mentioned any of that to him at all. Now, she watched him hungrily, waiting for his response, and finally he gratified her.

“Lily, it’s not for me to say. Only you can really decide whether or not you’re making the right decisions in your own life, because you’re going to have to be the one to live with them.”

She was silent for a moment...he was right, of course, but it wasn’t the concrete advice she’d hoped to get out of him. “How can anyone be expected to know what’s best when we can’t see the future?”

He shrugged, smiling slightly as he replied, “Well, that’s the eternal question, isn’t it? For everyone, really.”

Nodding miserably, she conceded, “I know.”

Sighing, Remus leaned forward again and said in a subdued voice, “Look...everyone is forced to make decisions based on what seems right at the time, but that doesn’t mean they can’t change their minds later on. When I...when James and Sirius told me that they’d figured out how to be animagi, I didn’t tell them it was wrong. Deep down, I think I knew that it was a bad idea...but I didn’t think it would do any harm. Later, much later, I realized that it had been a mistake. Maybe I needed to make the wrong decision first, though, in order to appreciate the right one.”

She stared at him for a moment, then said, “So...you do think I’ve made a bad decision?”

He thought for a few seconds before responding, choosing his words carefully, “I know that you must love your sister...and even if that’s your only reason for giving up the program to live with her, then that’s good enough.”

He looked at her for a long time, and then at last he finished, “But...it still may not be where you belong. In the end.”

She took this in, and then they fell silent, each lost in their own thoughts. She knew that she must look so foolish to Remus, as she’d had the choice on whether or not to join the program and she’d decided against it. Now he had to wait until the end of the year and be behind the rest of them...and not only that, but he’d have to get special clearance from Dumbledore because of his condition. Lily didn’t know which was worse...not being able to decide on a course of action, or having a set path and being unable to embark upon it.

“I feel so...useless,” she said softly, and he responded,

“Yeah...me too.”

They fell back into silence again, and as usual Lily’s mind went to the last interaction she’d had with James and all the things that were said that night.

“She is not all you have, and I wish you’d stop saying that. You have your cause, your ambition, the desire you’ve had since the beginning of the year to get involved and do something...how dare she come to you now and make demands, after everything?”

The sharp pain in Lily’s abdomen increased as she thought of the countless books she’d read to prepare herself for what she was planning to do with her life after her parents died...all the hundreds upon hundreds of hours she’d spent practicing her charms outside of class, working until she couldn’t stay awake...it was all wasted time now. Petunia...she couldn’t stave off the anger anymore. It trickled into her like sand, grain by grain...and it was beginning to chafe at her resolve to make things work between them at all costs. After all, she thought as her brows drew slowly together, he was right. Why should Lily be the one to make all the sacrifices just because Petunia experienced a tragedy she doesn’t completely understand? After all, she never made the effort to understand it any better, did she? James’ voice came into Lily’s mind again, challenging her.

“You’re a coward, Lily. You can stand there and feel sorry for yourself all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that you let things happen to you. You don’t like the way things are going for you, but you don’t even have the courage to make a change. You hide behind the idea that you don’t have a choice.”

Jumping up, she said, “I need to go and talk to Dumbledore.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, confused. “Sorry?”

“I chose a future for myself a long time ago based on the things I thought were important then...and those things are still the most important things in my life.”

“What about your sister, then?”

Lily paused, her jaw set and, for the first time in ages, no horrible feeling of self-doubt clouding her mind as she replied in a steely voice, “I have to make my own path...I’m not letting her or anyone else do it for me.”

With that, she glanced at the window...by the amount of light in the sky, she deduced quickly that it must be close to six and Dumbledore would surely be awake. Feeling as thought she couldn’t wait another second to speak with him, she turned and with one final word to Remus walked through the portrait hole.

One horrible, worry-filled week later, Lily sat in Dumbledore’s office with her hands clasped tightly in her lap to keep them from trembling. She looked around the empty room at the portraits hanging on the walls, and it seemed to her that they were all trying to pretend as though they weren’t staring at her. Taking a deep breath, she tried to force her nerves away.

As she thought back on the chain of events, it seemed to her that it had all happened so quickly. A couple of days previous, Dumbledore had asked to speak with her after she’d finished with her last NEWT. He’d sounded rather grave, which had sent her spirits crashing down immediately...she’d been in a rather good mood at the time, having just done reasonably well on the tests she’d been dreading since her first day of school. Slowly, she’d trudged up to his office, sure that she was about to be disappointed...but when he spoke, he’d surprised her.

“My attempts to get you into specialized training have succeeded...and I apologize for the delay, but the negotiations took rather longer than I expected.”

“Oh!” she’d exclaimed, her books clasped against her chest as she beamed at him, “You mean you’ve found me a place?”

“Not exactly,” Dumbledore had said wearily, although Lily could have sworn she’d detected a twinge of humor in his tone, “As I said, all the places in the specialized training regimes had been filled. I was beginning to think I was going to have to simply put you in regular training with very high recommendations for advancement to combat training later on.”

He’d hesitated, and she urged him on. “But...?”

“But...as I said, there was one thing further I wanted to try. In any case, that worked out in our favor in the end, and you will be leaving at the end of the week to begin.”

“You said before...er, it is specialized training, then?” she had asked, thinking that it was ungrateful and snobbish of her to think less of regular training but unable to help her feelings after all the extra work she’d put in all year.

“You will indeed be receiving specialized training, Miss Evans...however, your setting will be rather unconventional,” he replied matter-of-factly, “I have secured you a place alongside a working Auror...it will be more of an apprenticeship than formal training, but I assure you that you will not be deprived in any way in your experience.”

“A...an apprenticeship?” she’d repeated, suddenly becoming uneasy.

“You will accompany him everywhere, on all missions for which he is dispatched, and he will teach you everything he knows along the way. I have...er...spoken to him several times over the past few days, and he has agreed to this. The Ministry has also agreed to award you with the same qualifications it awards the other people who are training to be in this elite squad of Aurors, providing that you complete the training in the same amount of time.”

Lily hadn’t really known what to say, and all she’d been able to manage at the time was a swallow and a brief, “Thank you, sir.”

“Nonsense, Miss Evans,” he’d replied fondly, waving a hand at her, “I would have been most sorry indeed to lose you and your exceptional skills. Now, if you will return to my office on Friday afternoon, I will introduce you to your new teacher.”

Lily had nodded and dazedly left the room without even remembering to ask who it was. Now here she sat, in complete ignorance as to what awaited her. Presently, the upper door of the office opened, and Lily could hear Dumbledore chatting with someone...a man with a deep, gruff voice. She slowly got to her feet, her heart pounding painfully in her chest.

“Ah, Miss Evans!” Dumbledore said amiably over the stone railing as he caught sight of her, “Excellent. Without further delay, I would like to introduce you to your new teacher...Alastor Moody.”

Lily gazed up at the man who now stepped forward to stand beside Dumbledore at the stone raining and gazed down at her...and she thought that she had never felt so intimidated in her life. She knew that she should smile, or attempt to say something, but she was too wrapped up in wondering just what exactly Dumbledore had gotten her into with this man.

He was older than she’d expected him to be...although it was hard to tell just how old he was based on his looks, which were bizarre. His hair was brown and streaked with a kind of unhealthy grey, and it fell down to his shoulders. He had scars all over his face and wore a patch over one eye...along with the most unfriendly facial expression she could have imagined. She swallowed, hard, and nodded at him. He ran an appraising eye over her, his brows knitted together in what looked like displeasure, and growled,

“How old are you, girl?”

She shivered at the sound of his voice...it was like sandpaper on her nerves. Still, she couldn’t present a bad impression of herself now. Raising her chin a bit, she replied in a clear voice, “Eighteen.”

Moody glanced at Dumbledore, his eyebrow raised. Lily got the distinct impression that Dumbledore had managed to get Moody to agree to this, as he’d said...but that it had been a Herculean struggle. Suddenly she felt unspeakably foolish, and looked down at Dumbledore’s desk to hide this fact.

“Having second thoughts?”

She started and looked up again at the sudden interruption of the gruff voice into her thoughts, and she shook her head adamantly. “No, sir.”

“Maybe you should be,” he replied, his one good eye narrowing, “Dumbledore seems to think that this damn-fool idea of his is going to work...but I’m not so sure.”

She glanced at Dumbledore, at a loss as to how exactly she was supposed to respond to this, and found him gazing down at his hand on the railing rather than at her. Feeling slightly hurt that he was leaving her to fend for herself at the moment, she replied quietly, “I intend to do my best.”

“But is your best worth anything?” Moody challenged, and now her indignation began to rise. Straightening imperceptibly, she replied in a self-assured voice,

“I’ve been told as much, sir. But I suppose that’s for you to tell me.”

Now Dumbledore did look up at her...and his blue eyes beamed his proud approval down at her. Feeling slightly more empowered, she returned her gaze to Moody and found him doing a new appraisal of her. She couldn’t say for sure, but she could swear that one corner of his mouth was twitching. Finally, he reached up and pulled the black patch away from his eye...and Lily couldn’t surpress a gasp of alarm as she beheld what was beneath.

She would have expected an empty socket...but instead, underneath the patch, Moody concealed his other eye. This was no ordinary eye, however, it twisted and whirled unnaturally in his head and finally directed its insane-looking gaze right at her. She stood still, as though it had her caught in some kind of beam, and after a moment Moody chuckled and covered it once more with his patch.

“Well,” he concluded bluntly, “At the very least, I suppose you’d make a good shield.”

Before she could react to this other than to have her mouth drop open slightly, Moody turned to Dumbledore and said, “Have her ready and at the train tomorrow morning at nine. I have to get back to duty.”

“Thank you again for your cooperation, Alastor,” Dumbledore replied, and the two men descended the stairs to Lily’s right and were at last level with her. Still, she had to look up to see Moody’s face...he was almost as tall as Dumbledore. He did not look at her again...at least, not that she could tell. After a few more words with Dumbledore he turned and left...and Lily got her first glimpse of his limp, as well. When the door slammed behind him, she turned to Dumbledore and asked,

“Professor Dumbledore...are you sure this is alright?”

Dumbledore smiled at her and replied, “It will be, Miss Evans...as soon as he gets used to you. Rest assured that I have known Alastor Moody for some time now, and he is one of the greatest Aurors the Ministry has ever produced. Considering the potential danger of having you in active combat without yet being fully trained, I would not entrust this responsibility to anyone but him.”

Lily stared at him for a moment, then nodded and said somewhat reluctantly, “I’ll do what it takes...and I’m honored that he’s agreed to take me on.”

They went on to discuss the arrangements...she was to pack her things, but to leave behind anything she didn’t absolutely need. Since she had no home where she could put everything until she was finished with training, Dumbledore assured her that she could safely leave them at Hogwarts until she needed them again.

“Don’t worry,” Dumbledore said to her just before she left, “Everyone knows that Moody’s bark is worse than his bite.”

She watched as he walked away from her a few paces and then turned to look at her again, his eyes twinkling, and added, “Unless, of course, you happen to be a criminal.”

Closing the latches on her trunk on Thursday night, Lily stared around the dormitory that had been her life for a long time. Everything was exactly the same as it had been her first day at Hogwarts...the same red hangings on the bed, the same stove in the center of the room that they used to use to roast chestnuts at Christmastime, the same tapestries. As her eyes traveled the familiar stone walls and now-empty beds, they suddenly fell on Helen. She was standing in the door, watching Lily perceptively with her kind brown eyes.

“You’re leaving as well?” she asked, closing the door behind her and taking a few steps inside. Lily nodded and waved a hand listlessly at her packed trunk.

“Yeah...tomorrow morning. Dumbledore is going to take me to the station, and...well, I’m supposed to go to London.”

“London,” Helen murmured, and then smiled and shook her blonde head. “I could never be you, Lily.”

“Oh...nonsense. It’s nothing to be me.”

“How can you say that?” Helen replied, her eyebrows crinkling with reproach, “When I think back on all the things that you’ve suffered this year...all the things that you’ve accomplished...well, you should be proud. Very proud.”

Her voice trembled as she spoke, and Lily smiled warmly at her. “You want to know something? I sort of wish I could be you right now.”

“Me? Why?”

“Because,” Lily explained, sighing, “Then I’d have less reason to be so scared.”

“Lily, you have no reason at all to be afraid,” Helen insisted stoically, “The only ones who have to be afraid are the people training with you, because you’re going to put them all to shame. You were always so good...you and Arabella. I could never be as smart as you two always were.”

Lily looked up at Helen and was suddenly struck with a pang of regret...she was going to miss her. Despite the fact that they’d grown apart since their first years there, she knew she was going to miss Helen terribly. Feeling a lump starting in her throat, Lily walked over and grabbed Helen in a hug. Helen hugged her back, and Lily could feel her chest catch with a small sob.

“I’ll miss you, Lily,” Helen said over Lily’s shoulder, her voice trembling, “I don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the time...first Arabella was gone, and now you. I’ll be all by myself.”

“Don’t worry,” Lily reassured her, pulling back and smiling at her with a confidence she wished she could feel on her own behalf, “It won’t be for long.”

Helen nodded, then asked, “Will you write?”

“I will...well, as soon as I can, anyway. I don’t think you’re allowed to send or receive letters when you’re in training. Security purposes, I suppose.”

Shaking her head again, Helen repeated, “As I said...I don’t think I could ever be you.”

They laughed, and then Lily asked, “Are you going to be here later on?”

“Sure...want to have one last marshmallow roast? I think I still have some left from the last time...”

“Ooh, they’re probably nice and stale.”

“Probably...but where are you going now?”

“I have...there’s someone I need to talk to before I go. I’ll be back up later, alright?”

Helen nodded, and Lily went out the door and down into the common room where, as she expected, she found Remus sitting and reading his book. He looked up when she approached and smiled a bit tiredly. “Hey...all ready?”

“I think so,” Lily replied, sitting down in the chair opposite him, “That is...everything’s packed. As to whether or not I’m ready...that’s another matter.”

“You’ll be fine,” he reassured her, and she replied doubtfully,

“I don’t know...I mean, I’m sure I will be, it’s just...that man. He’s so intimidating. Really, you should have seen him.”

“I’ve heard of him, yeah. But from what I have heard, you’re very lucky. He’s the apple of the Ministry’s eye when it comes to the Auror division.”

“I know. I do...and I’m so grateful to Dumbledore.”

He nodded and replied softly, “I’ve been grateful to Dumbledore for years. He’s the reason I’m here at all, actually. If it hadn’t been for him, they never would have let me in here.”

There was a pause in which they sat in pondering silence, and then Lily spoke. “I...I wanted to thank you before I left, Remus.”

“For what?”

“For...just for listening. For being so encouraging. It would have taken me a lot longer to make this decision if you weren’t here, and by then it would have been too late.”

He shook his head, “Don’t thank me, Lily. You came to the decision on your own. I only wish I could be going with you tomorrow.”

He said it lightly, but something about his words struck Lily as particularly melancholy. She suddenly felt a bit guilty...as though she were walking out on him or something. He did not look as though he was angry or accusatory...he just looked beaten. Evidence of having been fighting the same battle for years...and losing nearly every time.

“Remus,” she ventured quietly, “I’ll stay, if you want.”

His gaze went back to her and his brows snapped together. “What?”

“I mean it. I can wait...and then we can leave together.”

“Lily,” he said, his voice level even in his incredulity, “You can’t be serious.”

“I am serious,” she insisted solemnly. “I know you are as anxious to get out of here as I am...and it isn’t fair that I should be going while you have to stay. I’ll wait for you if you want...just say the word.”

He regarded her with a look that held such emotion that she almost had to look away. After a moment in which he struggled to find his words, he said, “Lily, I...I don’t know what to say. I’m...”

“I didn’t say it to be nice, mind,” she elaborated, not wanting him to feel embarrassed by the offer, “I just think that people who are suffering through the same kinds of things should stick together as much as possible. Don’t you?”

Smiling wistfully, as though almost regretting what he was going to have to say, he replied, “Yes...but I also think that you have to just go. I wouldn’t have you waiting around this place for me for all the Galleons in the world.”

“But...”

“No,” he interrupted, holding up a hand and leaning forward, “I mean it. You need to go...your talent is ten times what mine is, and they need you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive...now go on and get some sleep,” he said, and then after a beat he said, “I’m going to miss you.”

She smiled and replied, “Thanks...you too, Remus.”

“Take care of yourself...and maybe we’ll cross paths in training one day.”

She felt a horrible lump in her throat now...it really was over, this chapter of her life.

“I hope so,” she replied earnestly, and then, giving him a quick, impulsive kiss on the cheek, she turned and went back upstairs. She and Helen stayed up talking and reminiscing until Lily couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer, and then she went to sleep for the last time under the familiar canopy on her bed.

Tomorrow was going to be the start of a whole new chapter in her life...and she was going to meet it head on.

Two Years Later

“Well...at least they have tents in this one,” Moody commented as he looked around the camp...in two different directions, Lily noticed with a raised eyebrow. A couple of people did double-takes at him as they passed in the darkness...probably at first because he was so threatening-looking, and then because they recognized him.

“Lovely,” she said, a smile in her voice, “Tents. They really do spoil us.”

Moody swung his good eye towards her and said, “You should be used to this by now, girl. Otherwise you’d better get yourself a nice desk job at the Ministry...”

“I’m only joking,” she interrupted, laughing lightly, “You need some sleep.”

“Right,” he replied, “And so do you...we’ve got an early morning tomorrow. Yours is number one hundred and four.”

“When is it not an early morning?” she asked, sighing as she started off towards the tent he indicated with his assignment sheet as he read off the number and bidding him goodnight as she went.

Over the course of the two years that followed her departure from Hogwarts, Lily had completely devoted herself to her training with Alastor Moody...who, as Dumbledore had assured her, was not as frightening as he looked. He worked Lily hard and forced her to use anything and everything she’d ever learned in practice, and she accompanied him everywhere he went. It had been a fascinating and eye-opening time for her, because not only did she get a real feel for what it was like to be an Auror, but she also had the privilege of being apprenticed to a fairly well-respected veteran of the fight against the Dark Arts. The adrenaline rush she felt from knowing that he was beginning to consider her skill a valuable asset was indication enough that she’d made the right decision when she’d left Hogwarts and effectively cut herself off from Petunia.

She still felt a surge of regret sometimes when she thought about her sister...she didn’t expect that the hurt over that situation would ever go away completely. The only difference was that now she’d learned to put it behind her and not blame herself for anything that had happened. She could still hope faintly that one day, Petunia would come through for her somehow...but it wasn’t something she was going to count on.

While it was true that she was giving her all to her progress in training and had changed her outlook on many things, there was one aspect of her life that had not changed in the least since she left school...and that was the strength of her feelings for James Potter. Time and lack of contact had not served to diminish them at all, and although she never spoke of him to Moody, she never gave up on the idea that she would run into him somewhere along the line. Every time they came into a new place – a camp, an operation, or whatever it happened to be – the first thing she did was look for James.

Lily was no longer deluding herself as to exactly what she felt for him...she knew she loved him, but as the two years of her training passed more quickly in many ways that she’d imagined it would and she was now coming to her last two months, the worry that she might never see him grew a little each day. Not only that, but she worried about other things as well...two years was an awfully long time. Much can happen in two years...he may not be the same person he was when they last saw each other. In fact, he probably wasn’t...she knew she wasn’t the same either, for that matter.

Her feelings for James just happened to be a constant for Lily...but what if she was not a constant for him? What if his feelings had faded with time? Who knows what else he may have found to fill his life with since that night in the Leaky Cauldron...or what other people he might have met in the meantime. After all, it wasn’t as though she’d given him any hope to cling to with regards to her feelings or even the continuing state of their once-great friendship the last time she saw him.

These thoughts plagued her now more than they ever had as her training drew to a close and she still hadn’t seen or heard from him...and she wouldn’t even contemplate the idea that something had happened to him. There had been one shining beacon of hope about six months ago...she had, by chance, run into Sirius Black during a Deatheater trial that she’d gone to with Moody. The man had been someone that Moody had been instrumental at capturing, and so he’d wanted to see him sentenced. Sirius had been there in the crowd as well, and he’d been genuinely happy to see her.

They’d talked about training, about various things that had been happening in the wizarding world...he asked her if she’d seen Arabella. She’d told him she hadn’t but that it didn’t surprise her. She and Arabella had both known that it could be a very long time before they saw each other again, because of the odd circumstances surrounding Bella’s training with Alice and Frank. As much as she ached whenever she thought of Bella, she felt instinctively that wherever she was, she was taking care of herself...and that they’d see each other again sooner than later.

As Sirius had pondered this information, or lack thereof, Lily had taken the opportunity to ask him if he’d seen James. He’d told her yes, he had...that James had finished training early, and was now an active Auror for the Ministry. They had joked that they might have expected that, and then Moody pulled her away and they had to part ways again. Still, she’d gotten the information she’d wanted...James was alright, and that was enough.

It was something she often went back to on nights like this one, as she laid in her bed staring up at the canvas roof of her small tent waiting for sleep to come. She and Moody had gotten into camp very late the night before...they were passing through on their way to another operation Moody had been assigned to by the Ministry. From what she understood, they would be there for a few days...but she knew that it wouldn’t really be a rest. It never was, with her teacher...he wanted her to get the most out of her time with him, and he’d been particularly adamant about it in the past month or so as their time together wound down. Pulling the covers over her shoulders, she finally allowed her eyes to drift closed, knowing it was going to be a rough morning when she woke up.

She was right...the lack of sleep took its toll on her. Lily practically stumbled out of the tent at dawn, so tired that she was considering killing herself just so that she wouldn’t have to do her morning wand exercises with Mad-Eye. Rubbing her eyes, she decided as she always did that if she could handle training with Moody than she could handle anything, and that she was lucky to have been placed with him. Looking up at the sky, she thought that at least she had the opportunity to enjoy the sunrise. There was no one else walking the grounds yet except for a couple of house elves and a group of men who had obviously just gotten into camp as they were all carrying shoulder bags. As they came nearer, she heard their voices more clearly...they were Aurors, probably fresh off of an assignment and about to take advantage of the dining tent. Lily caught snippets of their conversation as they passed.

“Right, well I don’t know...why doesn’t the Ministry just try again?”

“There’s no point in trying if they don’t have any more resources than they did last...oy, check out the talent...”

Lily rolled her eyes, and one of the other ones emitted a low whistle as they passed her. Glancing over her shoulder, she intended to shoot them a disapproving look when a couple of the others in the group looked over their shoulders to take a peek at her themselves...and Lily felt her heart stop as she locked eyes with one of them. His brows shot together and his face fell into a mask of complete shock as he recognized her in turn. They both stopped in their tracks, seemingly frozen and completely unprepared for the encounter.

“Ahh...we might have known,” one of the group laughed to the others when they finally noticed he’d fallen behind. They all chuckled and, shaking their heads, went on their way.

It was James. His expression didn’t change at all as he stared at her. She knew she needed to say something, but despite all the thousands of times she’d imagined this moment over the past two years, she couldn’t for the life of her think of anything to say. He just stood there, still as a statue, and the air between them practically crackled with tension. She couldn’t think...she was too busy sating herself with the sight of him after searching for him for so long. She could see straight away that he’d changed...quite a bit. He was no longer the boy who’d left her standing stricken in the middle of a dingy room at The Leaky Cauldron...it was apparent even in the dim light of the nearby tent that the past couple of years had forced him to mature into the man who stood before her now.

In truth, she was more than a little intimidated.

Before she could make a decision one way or the other, he turned away from her and, without a word, followed his mates into the tent. She could do little more than stand there staring, aghast, at the place where he’d been standing only seconds before. Of all the things she might have imagined that he’d say to her when he saw her...she’d never imagined cold silence. She knew he’d recognized her...it was evident. He obviously just didn’t have any wish to speak to her.

“There you are, girl,” came Moody’s rumbling voice from behind her, “I thought we’d agreed to meet at six sharp.”

She didn’t turn around to face him, and tried in vain to organize her thoughts enough to form a complete sentence. “I know, I...I was just...”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t eaten breakfast yet?” he asked severely, following her line of sight in the direction of the mess tent.

“No...er, yes, I have.”

“Good. Let’s start, then.”

Half annoyed at his unconscious interruption of her thoughts on what she should do next and half relieved that she didn’t have to make the decision yet, she followed him across the campground and went on with her exercises as scheduled. She had to assume that James was simply unprepared for the suddenness of their meeting, and that as soon as he’d had the chance to process it he would come and find her so that they could talk. After all, he couldn’t want to leave things hanging unresolved.

Realizing that she had to put her mind on her work, she pulled out her wand and faced her teacher. Moody, for his part, pulled out his own wand and eyed her craftily.

“Ready?”

She nodded, and they began. In the interest of self preservation, Lily managed to keep her mind off of James for the rest of the morning as she focused on her training...for the most part.

Hours later she sat on the grass, catching her breath as Moody went to scan the perimeter. She had managed to get over the initial shock of seeing James so unexpectedly, and was now trying to come up with a valid reason why he would simply ignore her the way he did. Funnily enough, after getting over the initial hurt of his clear rejection, she was beginning to find it an encouraging sign. After all, if he’d completely lost all of the feelings he’d had for her, he wouldn’t have experienced any kind of extreme reaction at all upon seeing her.

Her mother had always told her that, when it came to this sort of thing, anger was better than indifference...at least it showed some kind of passion. If he was still angry with her, then it had to show that she still meant something to him. She could still evoke an emotional response...even if it wasn’t the one she’d hoped she’d get after all this time.

Lily reckoned they’d talk it all out eventually, and she would just bide her time until he was ready. She didn’t blame him for having lingering feelings of resentment towards her...after all, she rejected him first and in doing so had said some fairly unforgivable things. If he needed some time to prepare himself to speak with her, not to mention to get over the obvious shock that not only was she not in the Muggle world but she was also in training, then that was fine. She’d let him approach her.

“Right...they want us to reinforce the sound barrier around this camp,” Moody called gruffly to her as he trudged back up the hill. She turned and looked at him,

“Right now?”

“No time like the present. Besides, this’ll probably take us all day.”

Lily stood, her feeling of uneasiness eased a bit, and replied, “Right, boss.”

“Don’t call me that,” he grumbled as he turned and led the way down the hill. She smiled nervously at his back and followed, wondering how long this really was going to take.

She wanted to get back to camp as soon as possible.

By the time she entered the mess tent for dinner, she was becoming more that a little worried about how things were progressing...or not progressing, actually. Scanning the crowded space, her eyes immediately found James and his group...they were sitting around a table back in one corner. Deciding that progress couldn’t be made without some risk-taking, she squeezed her way back there and took a seat at the table right beside him. He looked up and saw her as she sat down, but he made no signs that he even recognized her as he went back to his conversation with his friend.

Throughout the entire dinner, Lily sat there growing more and more distressed and angry at the way he was acting. Not only had he been given ample time to get over the shock of seeing her there, but he was blatantly passing up dozens of opportunities to come over and speak to her. She was sitting by herself, and the tent was loud enough that no one would have been able to overhear any conversation they may have had. She got up at one point and passed right behind him to talk to someone she saw that she knew, and then passed him again as she went back to sit down. He stood to grab something off another table and had to edge past her to avoid someone else in the aisle between tables...his cloak had actually brushed her as he went by.

Not to mention the fact that she stared right at him all the while...and he did not so much as glance in her direction.

Unable to bear it any longer, she decided that enough was enough. She was going to give him one solid opportunity to at least react to her presence, and if he didn’t...then she knew that he was doing it out of spite and not out of discomfort or awkwardness or anything else. Standing up and marching determinedly over to where he sat with his colleagues, she approached their table and, looking directly at James, asked, “Excuse me...could I borrow your salt?”

He didn’t look at her. The rest of the Aurors seemed to find this quite amusing...after casting several glances at James and struggling to surpress their smiles, one of them held the salt out to her and, with a leer, said, “Sure...and, um...if you need anything else, please let me know. I’m off-duty all night.”

Unfazed by this, she raised an eyebrow at the man and glanced at James again. For all intents and purposes, it was as though he didn’t even notice what was going on...except for a tiny, telltale smirk on his face as he stared into his bowl. Overpowering anger exploded in her, and without even waiting to hear the rest of what the man had to say, she grabbed the salt from him and went back to her seat. There was a ripple of chuckles behind her as she went, but she didn’t care. She was so furious she barely noticed Moody stomping in, accompanied by a man she recognized as the commander of James’ group of Aurors. They spoke for a few moments, then Moody clunked over to where she was sitting and asked,

“What slop are we being force-fed tonight?”

Lily shrugged moodily. “I don’t know...tastes kind of like pork.”

Shaking his head but heaping several helpings onto his plate nonetheless, he eyed her with his spinning eye and asked, “Right...what is it?”

“I just told you, I don’t know...pork, or...”

“You’ve got something stuck in your craw,” he interrupted, his eye boring into her, “And you’d better get rid of it.”

“What?” she frowned, and he continued to stare as he elaborated,

“You weren’t on point today...not nearly close to what I know is top form for you. I want you to fix whatever it is that’s distracting you and then refocus your attention on your job, do you understand?”

She flushed at the notion that her distraction had been so apparent and that she was now being chastised for it. Just as she was about to respond, she noticed James and his group stand up from their table and walk out of the tent...he didn’t even glance in her direction. Lips pressed together, she grabbed her cloak and the manual she’d been reading.

“Where are you going, girl?” Moody called after her.

“To go and fix it!” she snapped back, knowing she was going to regret that cheekiness later. She was so furious that she didn’t even know how she got to his tent...she could see nothing but red. Just before she reached it, she saw him go in, so she knew perfectly well that he was decent. Without even bothering to announce her presence, she burst inside and found him just in the middle of unfastening his cloak. He looked up in alarm when she came through the opening, his hand going for his wand...and then his eyes darkened when he recognized her. She didn’t care...she wasn’t going to let him speak, anyway.

“What is this about?” she spat at him as she kept walking until she was inches from where he was standing, now looking slightly alarmed again, “How dare you, James?”

“Excuse me?” he asked, his voice insolent.

“Oh, COME OFF IT!” she shouted, unable to remember a time when she’d felt so incensed and so utterly hurt, “You know damn well what I’m talking about, so don’t play games because I am not in the mood! You have had endless opportunities to approach me and yet your bloody pride and over-inflated ego kept you from giving me a so much as a greeting!”

She pointed her finger at him and jabbed his chest to punctuate her words, and his brows snapped together dangerously as she continued without letting him get a word in edgewise, “I’ve heard of grudges before, but this is absolutely revolting. To think, two years of training and then Aurorhood and you still haven’t grown up! We’re right back where we were when we were fifteen years old, with the pathetic attempts at humiliation, and I hope you’re happy about it, you bloody BASTARD!”

On the last word, her emotion came to a heated crescendo and she shoved him as hard as she could with both hands. He stumbled backwards a few steps, unprepared as he was for the blow, but soon righted himself and fixed her with a look that was nothing short of disgusted. Shaking his head and blowing out a small huff of laughter as his lip curled, he said unconcernedly,

“Get out of here, Lily.”

Incensed, she shot her hand out to slap him across the face...but he caught it in midair, his eyes flashing dangerously. Grabbing hold of her wrists, he gave her a small but powerful shove away from him and snarled, “What the hell do you want from me?”

“I want to settle this!” she spat at him, hurt beyond anything she’d ever felt before.

“Look, I closed the book on this a long time ago and got over it. I suggest you do the same.”

“I didn’t come here for your advice!”

His eyes flashed again as the corner of his mouth turned up in some kind of mocking smile, “Right...sorry about that. I forgot how you feel about my advice.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about...but allow me to humor you. About a year ago, I ran into your friend Remus.”

Her eyes brightened at this, not having seen Remus since that last night at Hogwarts. Then her mind caught up with the conversation and she frowned. “My friend Remus? What’s that supposed to mean?”

James snorted and went on, “The fact is, you managed to change your mind easily on the advice of nice, respectable Remus Lupin, didn’t you? Never mind that you practically spit in my face when I offered you the same advice...and then some. You don’t trust me...never have, never will, and I’m done.”

She stared at him in shock for a moment before asking, “So that’s it?”

Returning her stare coldly, he replied, “Yeah, that’s it.”

Feeling as though her chest was going to implode with the force of her disappointment and sorrow and anger, Lily turned and walked towards the flap of the tent, half expecting him to stop her before she reached it. But he didn’t...he didn’t even try. She walked swiftly outside until she was sure he couldn’t hear her retreating footsteps and then sprinted the rest of the way back to her tent, barely able to hold her emotions in check until she got there.

Coming to a halt in front of her tent, Lily caught her breath before opening the flap and slipping inside and when she did, she pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle the sob that broke from her.

Why was his attitude taking her by surprise? Hadn’t she always considered it a possibility that he wouldn’t care for her anymore? Hadn’t she always been prepared for the cold shoulder when she finally did come face to face with him again?

Yes, she answered herself wearily, sinking onto her bed...but she’d never truly believed that this was how it would work out. She supposed she’d always had too much faith in the power of the human heart to cling to the good and forget the bad...

An hour later Lily sat on her bed, in the same position, wide awake despite her exhaustion. She had managed to calm down a bit and was now finding herself the victim of another all-consuming emotion as regret replaced her anger.

She shouldn’t have approached it the way she had. Now it was up to her to fix it as much as possible before they parted ways for good. She briefly considered writing him a long letter and giving it to one of his friends, but then decided that it would seem like an avoidance tactic. She had to go and talk to him again...to try and make him talk to her.

If she didn’t, she would never be able to sleep again.

Just as she was about to stand up and pull on a jumper over her pajamas, she heard some kind of commotion going on outside...a lot of people talking at once, their voices interrupting her thoughts. They sounded as though they were passing right outside her tent. Frowning, she walked to the flap and looked out.

A couple of the men she recognized from James’ outfit were walking past, and Lily started when she realized that not only were they fully dressed...they were carrying all their gear on their backs. Frowning, she looked in the direction of the other tents...and was dumbstruck when she saw James, also toting his things and walking in the direction the others had just gone.

He was leaving.

Lily felt like she was being stabbed through the chest, and suddenly it hit her exactly why his bag was packed when she’d been in his tent earlier. He looked up then and saw her standing there just before he reached his group, and their eyes locked. Walking over to him, unconcerned about what it might look like to the other Aurors standing right there, she asked flatly,

“So, that’s it, then? You were just going to leave without saying another word?”

He stopped and gave one shoulder a shrug, raising his eyebrows at her as he replied, “I told you...I’m finished with it. What more is there to say?”

“I think I deserve more than this...I think we both deserve more. I don’t know about you, but I’m not willing to allow what happened in your tent an hour ago be the last contact we have with each other!”

He huffed a laugh and shook his head again, but she continued before he could speak, “Why must you always be so bloody arrogant, James? You think you know everything, even now! Let me tell you something...I began to realize I’d made a bad decision almost immediately after I got back to Hogwarts the day after you left for training! It had nothing to do with Remus or anything he said…it was because of you.”

He stopped shaking his head and his jaw set as he gazed into the distance, refusing to look at her...but Lily knew he was listening now. She went on angrily, “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you’d said to me. Your words...they just kept coming back to me, over and over, replaying in my mind. When I finally admitted to myself that you were right...that you were absolutely right about everything, I didn’t know what to do. If anything, I suppose I can give Remus credit for spurring me into action sooner than later...but he had nothing to do with why I changed my mind.”

James turned his eyes to her now and asked in a low, challenging voice, “You expect me to believe that?”

“I don’t care!” she burst out, frustrated beyond belief, “I don’t care what you believe...but this is the truth, so you’re a git if you don’t listen to me just because of your stupid preconceived ideas about the whole thing. I would have written, or tried to explain all this to you...but you were gone, and there was no way to contact you. I had to content myself with spending two years looking under every rock in every camp we came to hoping to find you somewhere.”

Almost imperceptibly, his stance softened...but she couldn’t be sure whether or not it was her imagination. “What are you talking about?”

“What part didn’t you understand? I had to content myself with asking the people I met while Moody and I happened to be in camps like this if they knew you or if they’d seen you. A few times some had, but it didn’t really do anything for me except reassure me that you were alright.”

Taking a breath and thinking it was better to just get it all out, she admitted, “From the moment I stepped back into that castle after we parted ways, I missed you terribly...more than I even missed Arabella when she left. More, certainly, that I’d ever missed Petunia in her absence from my life. I realized then how much you meant to me, and...and how much I really, really cared. I kept thinking about your last words to me before you...before you left. The things you said to me...”

As she voiced these last admissions, the antagonism and resentment seemed to melt away from his face, leaving in their wake a kind of incredulous dawning of...something. Hope, perhaps...she couldn’t tell. In any case, the hard mask he’d been wearing since she first saw him was all but gone, and she didn’t dare to dream that she was actually breaking through the barriers he’d put up against her over the past year. She just concluded quietly, her voice still choked with defeat and a small amount of lingering frustration,

“I know now that I made more than one bad decision that night at the Leaky Cauldron. After two years of praying that I’d meet you somewhere so I could tell you everything, I finally see you...and now here you are, about to leave quietly in the night after refusing to even speak to me.”

His eyes, no longer guarded, gazed down at her with a softness she hadn’t seen in ages. Before he could respond to anything she’d told him, however, an explosive noise rocked the camp and they both jumped and pulled out their wands.

“What the bloody hell...?” he muttered, and then instinctively grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to him as another great bang reverberated through the night sky.

“An attack!” one of the other Aurors yelled as a flash of red light illuminated the sky in the distance, “It’s the Deatheaters...they’ve found the camp! They’re trying to breach the protective charms around the perimeter!”

“They already have!” a gruff voice boomed, and Lily spun around to see Moody charging towards them, his wand out and his magical eye spinning. Lily felt the blood drain from her face as the adrenaline rush hit her unexpectedly. Suddenly there were people shouting and running in all directions.

Stopping momentarily in front of them, Moody addressed the group of Aurors and said, “You lot are to meet your commanding officer at the front to hold them back! You come with me, girl...we have to move this camp back and then reestablish the protective forcefield. Heavy charmwork...you should be able to handle it, I think?”

She nodded, then ran after Moody, not bothered by the fact that she was still in her pajamas. Looking back over her shoulder, she found James still standing there looking after her. Their gazes locked once more and held for a long moment, and it struck her that he was heading right into a battle. She slowed her steps, reeling from this realization, and then Moody’s voice snapped her back to reality.

“Get moving, girl! There’s no time!”

James heard it too, and with one last lingering glance, he spun around and hurtled after his colleagues. Her throat constricting, she turned in the opposite direction and followed Moody towards the camp, knowing full well that she wasn’t going to be able to get him out of her mind for a single solitary second thereafter.

~~~

“When was the last time you slept?”

Lily wiped the sweat from her brow and inadvertently smeared dried blood on herself as she did so. Looking around at the chief Mediwizard, whose name was Mulligan, she replied noncommitally, “I don’t know.”

“If I’m right, it’s been nearly forty-eight hours, Evans.”

Lily was not a bit surprised at that information...she’d been counting the minutes until this whole thing began in the wee hours of yesterday morning. Right when it had started, she’d had to help with the grueling task of disassembling the camp and pushing it back, further into the woods, and then recasting the charms that would create a second barrier around the perimeter of the new location, with modifications to make it stronger than the previous one.

From what she had managed to ascertain over the past two days, the Deatheaters had been planning this attack for months and had appeared in great numbers to destroy the camp. Moody hadn’t minced words about the reasons...he told her frankly that it was an attempt to either capture or kill him, as he was one of the Ministry’s greatest assets. Shortly thereafter he had gone to fight alongside the Aurors at the front line who were holding the Deatheaters at bay, many of them having only shown up later on as reinforcements. He had refused to allow her to go along, although she’d begged and pleaded with him. He said that she was his charge, and that he wouldn’t allow her into a large-scale battle before she’d completed her training...even though she only had about two months left.

In light of this rejection from Moody and his subsequent departure, she had been forced to content herself with working in the medical tent on mending the injured Aurors who were coming back in shifts to eat and rest before returning to the fight. Evidently, the Deatheaters had managed to breach the barrier early on, before the Aurors even had a chance to reach them. Since then, they had been successful in diffusing the head-on attack, but now the Aurors had to remain there until the Deatheaters either retreated or until every single one of them was put out of commission. Lily had treated one woman with severe burns on her face not too long ago who’d informed her that it was basically a waiting game now, with scuffles breaking out sporadically.

Lily, although happy to be helping in any way she could, was making herself positively sick with worry. She wasn’t concerned so much about Moody, as she knew that he could take care of himself well enough...but the thought of James out there was enough to make her want to vomit. She questioned everyone that came back, and even treated a couple of his friends for their injuries, but no one seemed to have any concrete information on his condition.

“Are you listening to me?”

She started and looked up at Mulligan again. “I...no, I wasn’t. Sorry.”

“Well, I’m telling you that you have to go to bed.”

“No,” she protested firmly, standing and washing her hands as she planned to move on to the next person, “I’m fine. Really.”

“You’re exhausted. Come on, don’t be foolish...you can’t be in top form. You’re going to start making mistakes...”

“Don’t tell me how to do my job here, alright?” she snapped at him before she could check herself, and then closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to...”

“You need sleep.”

“No...”

“I’m taking you off-duty and you won’t mend another wound in here until you’ve rested!”

“I can’t sleep!” she burst out, her voice shaking, “I couldn’t sleep even if I tried!”

“Look,” he said quietly, “I’m going to get you a mild draught. I want you to take it – in front of me – and then go to your tent. In eight hours, you can come back and pick up where you left off, alright?”

Lily had no choice but to reluctantly agree to this. After downing the potion, she walked back to her tent in the darkness and thought dimly that it must be about ten o’clock. That meant that she really had been at it for almost two full days...and she still hadn’t seen or heard from James. Her stomach churning as she finally got back to her tent, she laid down and had a difficult time succumbing to sleep at first, despite the draught. When she finally drifted off, she mentally ordered herself not to sleep too long...after all, she was needed.

What seemed two minutes later but was probably closer to two hours, Lily awoke suddenly with the hairs on the back of her neck standing up...she felt a presence in the darkness of her tent. Her mind bleary because of the potion but her instincts quickened by years of training, she shot her arm out and grabbed her wand from where it lay on the nightstand. Before she could bring it all the way around, a hand clamped ahold of her wrist. Just as she was about to cry out, another hand clapped over her mouth...and then she felt stubble graze her cheek as her assailant brought his mouth to her ear and shushed her gently.

“Shh...it’s me.”

Lily’s heart nearly leapt out of her chest and relief flooded her veins. Her headache was gone, but she felt unfocused and groggy because of the potion she’d taken. She tried to speak, but he kept one hand over her mouth and continued to shush her as his other hand released her wand arm. He brought his mouth down on her forehead as he gently pulled her wand from her grasp and set it back on the table beside her bed. Lily felt flushed and warm as he finally removed his hand from her mouth and silenced any question she may have asked with a kiss.

She felt as though lightening had suddenly shot through her body as he deepened the kiss before she had time to recover from the initial contact, forcing her lips open with his own so that he could taste her. He caressed her tongue with his, and Lily felt lighter than she had in two years...he did still love her. His hands came to rest on either side of her face, holding her still under his assault, and then they slid down her neck and all the way to her waist.

She could barely breathe...neither could he. They didn’t care. Feeling as though she was getting her senses back with a vengeance as the effects of the potion faded a bit, she put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. His mouth finally left hers only to travel down her jaw and then to kiss her neck. His hands found the hemline of her nightshirt and slid underneath, bunching it around her waist as they did. The feeling of his hands against her bare skin was a sensory overload that she had never before experienced, and she shivered beneath him. He returned his mouth to hers and in his desperate kiss she could read every single emotion that he was pouring into her, begging her silently to understand. She kissed him back to show that she did understand...she felt everything he was feeling in that moment.

She’d been wrong before...she hadn’t lost the ability to read him. She unconsciously moved one hand to his side...and then froze as he inhaled sharply and flinched away from her.

“What is it?” she asked, pulling her mouth from his.

“Nothing,” he replied, trying to continue kissing her as though nothing had happened. Unfazed, she wiggled out from under him and sat up, forcing him to do the same.

“James, are you hurt?”

“It’s nothing...just a scratch.”

Grabbing her wand off of the bedside table as he ran a hand over her thigh, she muttered, “Lumos!” and then frowned deeply at the sight of the blood staining his cloak.

“My God...James!” she cried as she slid off the bed and lit the lamps so she could get a better look, “You are hurt! Haven’t you been to the medical tent!?”

“No,” he replied quietly, standing with some difficulty and walking over to her. Reaching out a hand to stroke her hair, he said, “I had to see you first.”

“But you’re bleeding...you need to get that mended...”

“Then you can do it,” he said flatly, “But I’m not leaving.”

Sighing even as her chest swelled with too many emotions to name, she pushed him over to a chair in the corner and made him sit. Kneeling down beside the chair, she made him take off his cloak and then lifted his shirt so she could get at the wound...which ended up being a gaping hole with burned edges right on his ribcage.

“God...”

“It’s fine...it’ll heal,” he reassured her as his hand played with her hair.

“Stop,” she said, smiling slightly, “Or I’ll fall asleep while I’m trying to do this.”

Predictably, he ignored her. She shook her head and asked, “What’s happening out there? Is it almost over?”

“I don’t know,” he replied wearily, “I thought it was almost over last night...but apparently I was wrong.”

“How did this happen?” she asked as she gingerly healed the burns on his side, trying not to hurt him.

“I don’t know...I didn’t notice it until after the fact. I think there’s a smaller one on my shoulder, too.”

“Where?”

With some difficulty he removed his shirt so that she could have a better look at his injuries. He was bruised all over, but nothing too major except for the wound in his side and a smaller burn on the opposite shoulder. Her mind switched to mediwitch mode, and she worked on closing the wound in his side first. His breathing was shallow, but he didn’t flinch again.

“I’m sorry if this hurts, James.”

“Don’t worry,” he replied, and after a beat he said softly, “I’m sorry about before, Lily.”

She felt tears spring to her eyes and blinked them furiously away so that she could see. “What do you have to apologize for?”

“I was telling you a pack of lies when I told you I had gotten over you. I guess I just wanted to believe it...but it wasn’t true. It isn’t true.”

“You don’t have to say it,” she tried to stop him, but he protested,

“I want to say it. I want you to know everything.”

He took a breath, winced slightly at the pain it caused him, and then continued, “After talking to Remus, I was thrown into the worst fit of jealously...I almost hated him, Lily. My best friend. I resented the hell out of him for what he was telling me about you...that he was the one who’d made you change your mind, that you two had gotten close after I was gone...”

“Oh, James...”

“I know,” he interrupted, his voice quiet, “It was stupid. I think I knew at the time that it was stupid...but I couldn’t help it. Just when I’d finally thought I’d come to mean something more to you, you still trusted him over me. It seemed like you’d trust anyone before you’d trust me.”

Lily shook her head sadly even though it was no longer a sentiment he felt and silently shifted her weight on her haunches so she could close the last bit of the wound. He lifted his arm so that she could get a better hold on his skin and went on,

“You destroyed me that night in the Cauldron. My first year in training I was a bloody wreck...all I did was think about you and curse myself for how I’d left things. I trained twice as hard so that perhaps I could finish early and come for you, I poured over my schedule and tried to see if I could go on leave to find you...I even studied Muggle ways.”

“Muggle ways?” she repeated, frowning up at him.

“In case it took awhile to convince you to come back,” he replied, and she caught on to what he was saying with a jolt before he continued, “After I spoke to Remus...I felt like a bloody fool. All the effort I’d been putting into figuring out how to save what we had turned sour, and I started to actively refuse to think about you. I was humiliated, and I blamed you...and I hated you for it. Eventually I buried it all...and then along you came, back in my life again.”

She was crying now, but she didn’t know what to say. Standing up and moving so that she was in front of him, she leaned down and examined his shoulder. “I’m...oh, James, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I couldn’t write...”

“I know.”

“We weren’t allowed to write, or I would have...”

“Don’t,” he cut her off, “Don’t apologize. Please, let’s just...let’s not think about all that anymore. It’s over, right?”

Nodding, she started on his shoulder, her tears falling onto his skin as she worked. After a moment of watching what she was doing, his eyes moved to gaze at her face. Finally, he brought his hands up and grasped her by the waist.

“Don’t move your shoulder...James...”

Paying no attention to her words, he pulled her so that her legs were straddling him and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his forehead against her abdomen. She responded by closing her eyes and putting her hands in his hair, running her fingers back and forth gently. Suddenly he stood, grasped her face between his hands, and kissed her again. As it quickly escalated, she managed to break away a bit and whisper,

“Your shoulder isn’t finished.”

He didn’t respond except to stop her mouth with his and back her slowly towards her bed. The backs of her knees made contact with it first and she sat down automatically, with him following her as she went, half on top of her. The kiss only got deeper and more frenzied as they both sought a release from the frustration and angst they had been carrying around with them since that night so long ago at the Leaky Cauldron. His lips moved from her mouth to her neck, and then across her shoulders, while his hands stroked her body. She was getting lost in the feeling...something in her brain was telling her that they should probably stop now, but she ignored it and reciprocated the things he was doing the best she could.

Suddenly, after what seemed like too short of a time, there was a bang outside the tent. James tensed and lifted his head. “What the bloody hell was that?”

“I hate to interrupt your...medical treatment,” came a brusque voice from just outside the tent, “But your group is moving out, Potter.”

Lily gasped and surged to her feet as she realized that it was Moody. James, still disconcerted and now more than a little annoyed, sat up on the bed and barked, “What?”

“It’s over...the Deatheaters have retreated. Your group is moving out as planned. Help him find his shirt and send him on his way, girl.”

It was said with a note of humor in his voice, but Lily felt hot embarrassment lick at her insides before the cold weight of dread hit her as the meaning of his words sunk in. Turning around to face James again, she found him standing now, staring at her with a tense expression on his face...she could tell he was realizing it, too. Their eyes locked and for a moment time froze, despite the rush they were supposed to be in. She was feeling many different emotions at the same time, but one dominated the rest...and that was the feeling of desperation at the thought of letting him go.

“I love you.”

She was shocked that the words had come from her own mouth, and they obviously had a devastating effect on him. His mouth opened slightly, and his hazel eyes sparked with intensity as they gazed at her.

“What are we going to do?” she asked him, her voice catching in her throat. All she wanted was to run into his arms and stay there. His eyes burning into hers, he said, “The rules are still the same...about family being stationed together...”

“POTTER!”

His name once again sliced through the canvas of the tent as Moody hurried him, but James ignored him as he declared, “We don’t have to be separated again.”

She felt like her insides were on fire. Lily could barely believe that this was happening, after she’d felt so hopeless days ago. She felt inexplicably silly, to be feeling such a surge of joy during such a grave moment...but she couldn’t help it. As his name was shouted again, this time by his comrades looking for him, he abruptly grasped her by the shoulders, his eyes imploring her to make her decision.

“Lily...I don’t think I can say goodbye again.”

Feeling only a slight flutter in her abdomen on account of nerves over the monumental thing she was about to do, Lily nodded and replied, “Alright...alright, yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Yes,” she repeated, feeling so relieved she wanted to collapse, “I agree...I accept...or whatever I’m supposed to say.”

“You’re sure this is what you want?” he asked her, bending his knees a bit so he was at eye level with her.

“I’m absolutely sure...and now it’s for all the right reasons.”

He grabbed her face and kissed her impulsively. She held on to his neck, almost afraid to believe that everything she’d ever prayed for with regards to him had now come true. Any minute she’d wake up and find to her horror that it was all a vivid dream caused by the sleeping draught...but she knew that couldn’t be. The warmth and strength of his hold on her was too real.

“Potter, we’re waiting on you!” someone shouted, their footsteps pounding towards them. As the footsteps slowed to a halt by the entrance to her tent, Lily felt the lump form in her throat once more as she realized that the moment had come...they were going to have to separate again, at least briefly.

James pulled away from her and looked at her for a moment. “I love you.”

She nodded, tears streaming down her face, and pushed at his chest. “Go.”

“When are you finished with Mad-Eye?”

“Two months.”

“I’ll find you then...I’ll tell the appropriate people what we want to do, and they’ll...

“Alright, I know...I’ll see you then, but you have to go now.”

He finally released her and, with one last lingering look and a small roguish smile that transported her back to their days at Hogwarts, he grabbed his shirt and made for the tent entrance, calling back over his shoulder, “Don’t let me find out you’ve changed your mind when I come back.”

She shot him a look that made his grin widen, and then he turned and was gone. She only had a moment to stare after him before she heard her own name being bellowed from behind her. Turning, she saw Moody’s shadow through the canvas. It somehow looked severe even though she couldn’t see his features.

“What the devil are you still doing in your bloody pajamas, girl?”

“I...I was...”

“Nevermind...just put something on and then pack up. We’re leaving.”

She did as she was told, and for the first time since she entered training, she felt truly free. A burden had been lifted off of her shoulders, and she felt as though she’d be able to fly without the aid of a broom if anyone asked her to do so. She’d seen James at long last, and he still loved her. He wanted her...and everything would be alright now.

Fully dressed and finished with her packing in less than two minutes, she hoisted her pack over her shoulders and stepped out into the cool spring morning. The sun coming up in the east, and she could tell that it was going to be a clear day. Unable to surpress her smile as she walked over to Moody, he looked down at her and, raising an eyebrow, he observed,

“Something tells me you aren’t smiling like that because we won the battle.”

She simply smiled wider and shook her head, then followed his lead out of the camp...finally optimistic about where the road was going to take her next.

FINIS

To Be Concluded in the Epilogue

More Fic by Emmyjean at

The Hidden Tower